tldr; this book is a fucking game-changer and you need to buy it
also, part one is about love languages
Last year, I realized how ready I was for a long-term commitment (not that I've ever *wanted* a short term anything, I'm a date-to-marry kinda girl)... I always talk about how I've done the work, and this post is about how I did some more of that in the beginning of 2021 - the work never really stops. I wish I could tell you that I worked with Shan to make this post and that I'm being paid to promote it or whatever but this is literally a labour of love and I feel like it happened by accident, only I don't really believe that last part... I think it came to me when I needed it the most. "divine intervention" or whateva.
The Game of Desire is this incredible book written by Shan Boodram, and it's full of tips and tricks and things to be mindful of when it comes time for you to want to settle down and have a long-term, committed relationship as an adult. I could talk about the mind-blowing advice on each page, but you'll just have to trust me and buy the book to figure that out for yourself.
I've been thinking about making this post for forever but I wanted to finish the book first. If you know me, you know I haven't (I'm halfway!)😂 I finally cracked it open to read at work but my job is very customer-facing, and I felt so awkward about people (parents and children and teenage boys) seeing the title of it and wondering what the fuck I'm reading. So my point is I'll likely have some follow-ups to this someday with more of what I've learned, but for now this is probably more than enough. There are a few quizzes (that you find through the website!) that you get to take while reading this book that help you figure out what you're all about and they ask questions / give answers that you never would have thought of:
Love languages (LLs),
attachment styles,
where you sit on the Kinsey scale,
apology languages,
what your ideal relationship structure is,
the Big 5 Personality test (which most of us took in college if you studied business... right?),
your mind pattern,
what your Jungian Personality Type is (ENFJ stuff you see everywhere),
your turn-on triggers,
and what your orgasm recipe is (sorry family, pls don't read that one when I post it LOL).
At the end of the first half of the book you're asked to take all you've learned from those lessons and make a How to Love Me list. Basically a recipe to make you happy and what makes you feel good, loved, important. I think one of the most common (but apparently not bc I just had to ask a new boy I'm talking to to take the quiz because he'd never heard of it???) things on this list is discussing what your love languages are. Take the quiz if you've never done it before! And take it again if you've taken it years and years ago - I feel like this is gonna change depending on where you are in your life. Mine are:
Words of Affirmation (because I'm jaded and need you to tell me things directly so that I don't overthink everything)
Physical Touch
Quality Time (tied with 2)
Acts of Service
Gifts (tied with 4)
I think that if I'm ever in a relationship or situation with really good communication, I'll no longer need to be constantly affirmed about how someone is feeling, so Words of Affirmation might slip in the rankings someday. Here's hoping anyway 🤞🏻But a bitch is insecure (read: jaded af) and anxious so it's 100% my top priority as of now.
Physical Touch and Quality Time are kinda two in one, but also I think PT is a little higher personally because I've been officially single since 2011 and haven't really had that kind of luxury (and my family isn't really touchy-feely unfortunately, AND none of my best friends live close so we only get to hug every 2 years roughly). This is higher currently also because it's what I crave the most in general, but more during the pandemic than ever #amirite... If I've learned anything in my life about spending Quality Time with someone, it's that it doesn't always have to be in person. I spend so much time with my two besties who live in Colorado, but always over Google Hangout and facetime and we text constantly. It's quality time every time, especially because we don't get to have that "quantity" part, us all leading busy lives and living so far away from each other. The same can be said for a mans in my life! If we can't physically hang out for whatever reason, facetime and stuff would work just as well!
Acts of Service can mean different things to different people, but I think specifically in terms of love languages, it alludes to doing the laundry for me, or changing the batteries in the smoke alarm for me, stuff like that - doing services that I don't wanna do because I hate it or because I had a really bad day or whatever. It's tied with Gifts because while doing the dishes for me and/or buying me chocolates will never go unappreciated, they'll also never really be expected to keep me happy. I LOVE giving gifts because I think I'm really good at it and it's the least I can do when I can't spend quality time with my loved ones though, so I think it's important still. These aren't super high on my list right now because the other things are way more important to me currently, but again, things could change down the line when the other things have been fulfilled :)
I met someone earlier this year who, very early on after we started talking, asked me what my LLs were and then shared his with me and we discussed why each was important... ask any of my friends if you don't believe me or can't picture it, that conversation floored me. It was so attractive (and hopeful lmao) to talk to someone who had taken the time to figure out what they liked and needed in a relationship and then talk about the things they bring to a relationship that could check off some of mine (our LLs are very very very similar in ranking and in specific points, which you get in your results on the quiz). I was basically planning our wedding! Aside from being able to straight up tell someone you're interested what you need and can bring to the partnership, it's really insightful to take a quiz like this and be able to see it on paper what you already kinda know about yourself.
If you're too lazy to take the quiz, you can probably just guess what yours are by knowing what those 5 options are, but it can't hurt and is not a long quiz at all! If/when you do it, let me know on instagram @parrell.ly :)
xx,
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