tldr; this one's about apology languages and your ideal relationship structure
get caught up with part 1 (love languages) and part 2 (attachment styles)
The Game of Desire is this incredible book written by Shan Boodram, and it's full of tips and tricks and things to be mindful of when it comes time for you to want to settle down and have a long-term, committed relationship as an adult. I could talk about the mind-blowing advice on each page, but you'll just have to trust me and buy the book to figure that out for yourself. (Or do the online workbook!)
Here's today's agenda:
✓ love languages
✓ attachment styles
✓ the kinsey scale
👉🏻 Apology Languages
👉🏻 Ideal Relationship Structure
the big 5 personality test,
your mind pattern,
what your jungian personality type is,
your turn-on triggers,
and what your orgasm recipe is
Apology Languages
Shan talks about why apology languages are so important (I'm paraphrasing): We all know how important it is to feel loved (love languages), but we forget until someone's crying or walking out "to clear their head" how important it is to feel understood. It happens, we get in fights or there are misunderstandings, or we do some straight up shady/wrong shit that requires apologizing. Regardless of the thing you're apologizing for, it's important to understand how the person you're apologizing to needs to hear you do it or how they want you to do it. Sometimes words aren't enough, you need to prove it with actions. And sometimes, even that isn't what they need.
Here's the scenario from within the book (you can also take all these tests yourself online!):
Imagine you just got in a big blowout with your romantic partner over behaviour that you've told them before is unacceptable. After much explaining you're finally able to break through to them. So, to make things right, what would you prefer them to say to you?
A. I get it now and I'm so insanely sorry. If only I would have listened to you the other times you've explained yourself, we wouldn't be fighting again. I wish it never came to this.
B. This is all on me. I should've been paying more attention to my actions and how they've been affecting you. My behaviour is my responsibility and I totally dropped the ball.
C. I made the same error again and this time it could have really damaged our relationship. Please let me do ____ to make this right.
If you chose:
A. Expressing Regret: An apology to you is best when it includes a clear indication that the other party knows their wrongdoings and wishes they'd made a better choice.
B. Accepting Responsibility: If someone is going to apologize effectively to you, they need to take full ownership of the offence, without passing the buck.
C. Making Restitution: If someone wants to make things right with you, they should start my offering a make-up, an act of service.
These are suuuuuuuuper basic though, and I think the online version gets you a little more specific and the scenario might be different ? I can't remember. Also, there's five options, not just three like in the book. Just like with attachment styles, I came up with two because they didn't necessarily fit me to a tee individually. Also, I did the book test and the online test (like before) and got two dif answers, but honestly all of them are good. I ranked them:
Make Restitution tied with Accept Responsibility (the two I got when I was quizzed)
Genuinely Repent tied with Express Regret (repent sounds so serious lmaoooo)
Request Forgiveness (this one just isn't enough for me unless it's something super minor)
Ideal Relationship Structure
Straight from the website: "There are a lot of important questions around intimacy that we fail to ask potential partners (and even fail to ask ourselves). What's your ideal relationship structure? I present to you, the commitment quiz. Find out if you are currently best suited for: casual dating, serial non-committed dating, traditional monogamy, modern monogamy, being mongamish, a free relationship, an open relationship, moonlighting aka swinging, some form of polyamory, or aromantic (those who aren't interested in romantic relationships)."
Modern Monogamous: 1 person at a time. Serial monogamist.
This one is abbbbbbsolutely no surprise to me or anyone who's known me for more than 2 minutes. As confident I am in myself, my dating ability, and the quality I am of a girlfriend, I cannot get on board with anything less than a committed relationship between me and one other person. No more, no less. I'm not a "traditional monogamist" where it's one person until the day I die regardless of the situation, and I'm definitely not monogamish which is defined as "a two partner system with more flexibility around flirting, porn and social media use". What does that even mean? I'm as one-person-at-a-time as it gets. Even trying to 'date' around is hard for me, I feel guilty talking to multiple guys at a time (as flattering and fun as it can be). I just want the security of knowing I'm not getting cheated on and they also don't want that for themselves from me.
Growth update: I just stopped myself from saying, "but apparently that's too much to ask for" because I reminded myself that it isn't too much to ask for, I've just been asking the wrong guys. 😇😌 #pattingmyselfontheback
If you're too lazy to take the quizzes, you can probably just guess what yours are by knowing what the options are, but it can't hurt and is not a long quiz at all! If/when you do it, let me know on instagram: @parrell.ly :)
xx,
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