tldr; if ur my close friend pls don't hate me lmao.
can't stop thinkin about it.
There's something to be said about breakups and getting back together (or not).
But what about the in-between?
I've had my share of breakups (or whatever they're called when they weren't "my boyfriend"). There's a few guys that I know could and would never be an option for me to get back together with... This includes my first (& last lol) actual boyfriend when I was 15; the flame who lied about his actual girlfriend having cancer; the guy I saw for a while who I found out was on probation the whole time I knew him AND who did hard drugs; hell - even my kindergarten boyfriend.
But, there's one that my friends know very well is a grey area for me personally. My head / my heart (and me / my friends) are constantly at war with each other about this one. It's relatively recent (ended in May 2020), and it was a fairytale until it wasn't (too good to be true - I called it because I said that before it went up in flames). It was a long enough entanglement (thanks Jada Pinkett Smith) that I could maybe say we actually dated, but it wasn't discussed in that way before it imploded. I was left in pieces, completely blindsided by the ghost that had suddenly replaced my mans -- no, he didn't die, which is almost worse somehow...?
In my last Haunting post a few months ago, I think I mentioned how I was finally doing okay near the start of winter when my Instagram randomly pushed a notification to me recommending that I follow someone I might know - my ex. It was like someone plunged into my chest and stopped my heart. Luckily, even though I was at work, I was alone and it was a quiet morning... so I could react as I needed to without pushing it aside. Anxiety filled every part of my body. I was having hot flashes but was freezing, my heart seemed to be skipping a beat but beating harder/faster at the same time. If you have anxiety you might have felt this way too at some point. I was shocked that his name popped up because he didn't even have snapchat when we were together. He had facebook but never had the time to use it (kinda like a formality or just-in-case these days amirite), and insta seemed too advanced.
In the span of like... 3 seconds flat, I went from shock (that he has ig), to immediate panic (what if he follows me), to resurfacing of old feelings/hurt (but why didn't he reach out sooner), to being dumbfounded that 5-6 months later these are the feelings I'm having (wtf is wrong with me). I managed to calm myself down relatively quickly (after telling every person who would listen) and start focusing on other things... mostly trying to convince myself that I'm over it and he won't follow me and that it'll be fine, and I'll just pretend he doesn't have it. And then I caved, and creeped. He only had one photo at that point and his profile picture was one I TOOK of him the first time we spent the whole day together. Whatever! Move on!
And move on I did. 😇
...Until the beginning of March 2021 when he added me on snapchat?!?! I spiralled and eventually accepted. Then I got a few notifications that he was typing, but he never sent anything. Until he did, on International Women's Day, and all he mentioned was that (so odd) with a festive snap sticker and what I presume was a smiling face behind PPE and construction gear. Then the same thing on St. Patrick's Day. Eventually I had the balls to say hi and we caught up a little. He's in a "better place" now or whatever. Maybe a week later I hadn't received anything from him and my friends agreed that after a week if he doesn't say anything then I'll have to be the one to ask why he added me in the first place.
Ohhhhhh but I know the male species. 😈 They're fragile. And they petrify at the thought of confrontation with a female, especially one they were once a bit "too" vulnerable with. So I asked him in a soft and polite way... he got defensive and said 'idk sorry'. When I explained that I wasn't trying to attack him or anything negative, that I was just genuinely curious, he said "I enjoyed our time together and thought it would be nice to keep in touch", and so we kind of are. But like, hardly.
But that's what this post is about. I've never really "kept in touch" with an ex (it just never happened that way)... how do you do that? I don't post updates on snap like I do on instagram or even facebook, yet he hasn't followed/added me on either of those (oh btw his insta is now private ... i checked after he snapped me lmao), so how are we supposed to keep in touch other than snapping random pictures then not talking for a week? I digress... kinda. If you're my close friend and you know the situation well and saw me cry about it all the times that I did, you're wondering why I've dedicated this whole post to being about him if I promised I'd never get back together with him. And that's where we duel:
My head agrees with you. My heart is stuck in "what if" mode (hi what's new lol).
What if he's changed? It has been a year. I've changed a lot too.
But what if he hasn't? I'll probably never know, but I bet he has. For the better? Probably.
What if he has a girlfriend? I never asked. But neither did he.
Does he even think about apologizing or what he did? Doubt it. ...Maybe?
Is he too scared to say anything? Maybe he just doesn't really care to.
If he did, would I forgive him? Yeah probably. Would I mean it? ... yeah probably.
If he wanted to hang out, would I? Likely, yeah. I'd like to think I would only see him in public?
If he wanted to get back together, would I? I don't know. I wanna say no, but I don't know.
Is he the one that got away (ran away, disappeared, whatever term you fancy)?
Is there something left that we need to rediscover?
Is it fate? Is it just over?
Was it only "fleeting"?
Can we be friends? Should we?
Will I always feel this way?
Every feeling I've had toward this walking heart attack has been situational and in the moment. I don't know what it is about him (I actually do lmao) that makes me feel this way but I can't get over it in some ways??
I literally do not know.
I just ask if you're my friend who's been witnessing this trainwreck, pls be nice to me im fragile but also pleaseeeeee continue to be blunt and upfront with me because it's keeping me sane. You know how writing these posts is really cathartic for me and actually genuinely helps. Also, think of all the time I'm saving you by you reading this instead of me live-tweeting my thoughts over snapchat for many, many minutes!? Maybe now that I've sat down and written this, things will calm down in my brain for a while.
But, maybe not, because he just snapped me. 😶 (no fuckin joke)
xx ♡ S
PS: to my friends, this was like two and a half weeks ago [from the publishing date]. conversation never sticks. this is a good sign...
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