tldr; spoiler alert, it's not that he isn't into you, he's just not ready
January 2020 was the beginning of my adult dating life. I've had a boyfriend and I've had situationships before, but I took a long ass break from even trying back in 2014 (is 2014-2020 even a break? That's LONG). So I decided to get Hinge in December 2019 and I ended up going on my first date with Matt in January. We didn't really hit it off and things fizzled out, which was fine because it was mutual. I still think about him a lot because he's a good dude, I just didn't catch feelings. I also think him being my "first" in so long is really important to me because it made me feel like I could do the whole dating thing... it was so easy with him and there were no games or drama and he knew how to tell me what he was thinking (hello communication! yessss!). So that ending didn't deter me from trying again... maybe for the first and last time. (I'm also calling him by his name because we never kept in touch and don't follow each other on social media AND nothing bad ever happened so I feel okay saying his name lol!)
After Matt in 2020, there were two other boys I've written about here before, but things haven't worked out so far for a myriad of reasons, which makes me really sad. And that's the issue! Why do we (and by 'we' I mostly mean I...) even bother dating when we know we're putting ourselves at risk of getting upset? And more than mildly upset, too... In some cases even mildly heartbroken. Maybe it's my fault for getting in my feels too soon... ?
BUT WAIT. I've decided in 2021 that being actually ready for a relationship, being mature enough to try for one and to openly want one, all while being a hopeless romantic (even to a fault) is not. a. bad. thing. It makes things exponentially tougher on me when I'm seeing someone who somehow doesn't reciprocate those things and it ends, but it definitely is not something for me to be ashamed of. I just haven't found someone who's on my level yet. Of course, it doesn't help that in March 2020 things were forced into full online dating with minimal to no in-person contact (harder to meet people, not that I ever left my house to begin with).
It's really, really, really, really annoying to spend so much time getting to know somebody so well (weeks, even months) just for them to ghost you or end things without warning, or, more rarely, to tell you they're just not ready and that it's over. Why doesn't it ever seem get any easier to be rejected, no matter the reason? One of the boys from last year said he wasn't ready like thought he was and ended things by actually talking to me about it which was incredibly appreciated, and I didn't fancy myself in love with him or anything, but it still hurt a lot. I've noticed it's worse (for me anyway) when you've actually spent time with them in-person because it feels more real than an online-only thing does.
I think you can kind of hear me going back and forth in my head:
It's my fault that I get so hurt because I get so attached in the first place.
It's my fault that I overthink and convince myself things are deeper than they are.
It's my fault because I attach meaning to things that have none.
It's my fault because I didn't see the signs, didn't get the gut feeling or see it coming.
It's thoughts like these that both make total sense to me and I fully believe them, but at the same time it's like... HE could've been honest with me sooner. HE could've been the one to not lead me on and have me believe my feelings were valid and reciprocated. HE didn't have to say things a certain way to make me feel like it was just for me. HE could've just not been on the app if he knew he was moving in a few months. All of it has me wondering, literally d a i l y, why we even bother with relationships. I'm a hopeless romantic so my personal answer is easy: Because one day it'll all work out and be worth the heartache and failed relationships because you'll be loved and wanted and respected and valued and needed and in love. But like... is it actually worth the frogs, so to speak? I don't know how my anxious, depressed, jaded ass can take much more of this shit. I thought I was being picky enough but if I'm any pickier, there probably won't be anyone left.
Much love!
xx ♡ S
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