tldr; if you've been here before, you'd know that it's been a hot minute since i've had such a visceral reaction. this one is real compelling, i promise.
Nov. 1, 2022
It happened slowly and then all at once. I was suddenly flooded with anxiety: We shouldn't even be together. You don't make enough money to support yourself, let alone the two of us. We can't afford a house together anyway. I also can't support myself at the moment. We have no business doing any of this. What were you thinking? WERE you thinking? Who else did you tell before asking me? If you didn't tell anyone, don't. I'm not ready for this. This can't be happening. Do I even want to have kids? 🚨
Meanwhile, he's driving along like nothing is wrong, with a massive smile on his face insisting that it'll all work out just fine. I "have nothing to worry about", he tries to convince me. This ring feels like it's tight and around my neck, not my finger. I don't even want it - how did I come to wear it? My breathing is tight. How did I say yes? WHY?
His life apparently hasn't just dramatically changed by the drop of a knee. The driver's side window is open in his green Jeep. It's late-summer, one hand is on the wheel and one out the window. Blonde hair blowing lightly in the wind, blue eyes and big smile darting (safely) between me and the road. He's thought this all the way through already. Oh, what I'd do to feel the same sense of peace that I see across his face... But I'm questioning everything. How did we even end up back together? I don't even live here anymore. Have I been kidnapped and brainwashed and only just now somehow coming-to? I'm realizing he looks different than I remember. I mean... I definitely do too, we haven't been together since we were 16/18 and now we're 27/29... We're bound to look a little older, a bit wiser.
No. It isn't just the time passed, something else is very different. Wrong, even. Kind of everything? The more I pay attention to the thought of it, the more different he becomes. His hair wasn't like this when we were younger... not this shade of blonde or this silky, and the wave pattern wasn't like this. He actually doesn't even have hair anymore - he's fucking bald now. And has a beard. Wtf is going on? His smile has the same feeling as before, but his teeth are different somehow. Softer? Those eyes are the same piercing blue, though. Actually... no. They're looking little more like my neighbour Dylan's eyes, the ones I was obsessed over back when we were 15. Am I living The Vow and he's my Channing Tatum? Am I lucid dreaming Inception-style? What the fuck drugs am I on? He's still driving wherever we're going - And I feel the sudden urge to jump out of the car. I can't be here.
I feel truly kidnapped. Trapped with no way out. But I'm not restrained. I've only felt this way in real life once before at my senior prom when I was 18. Side note so you understand my gut feeling: My date was an internet friend who I probably did actually meet when I was 11 or 12 when I lived with his then-girlfriend's family in Dryden (a 15 hour drive from North Bay, where I lived back then) when I attended a bowling competition. (Nerd alert.) I kept in touch with this internet friend until my prom, and he was living only a couple hours away now, single, and took the train to come be my prom date. We loved each other the way that you loved an internet stranger when you're 15 back in Tumblr days... Only a select few understand that feeling, a very niche segment of people. But when he got off the train, my heart stopped and I clammed up. Not in a good, cute way. He was a perfect gentleman I think, but almost nothing from that weekend remains in my memory except for the times he wasn't around me. I always knew what he looked like (webcam), sounded like (phone calls), and he spoke like a poet even in real life like he did on MSN. I don't/didn't know what was wrong, but I didn't have any way to verbalize it or make him go home. When he did leave I think I did end up apologizing to him a while later because I felt/feel terrible about the whole thing. I unfriended him shortly thereafter.
But, back to my "new fiancé". That thing happened where suddenly the scene cuts and you're in a different time and place, with different people. I was with a group of people we both know from high school, but it's not clear to me now who they were. Why were they there? Was it a reveal? Or were they my friends? His? I can't remember but I had the same panicked freakout around them. He turned the corner, we locked eyes, and then I woke up.
I'm curled up into fetal position in my bed. Only one blanket on me, clutching the shit out of another one balled up in my arms. I'm sweating. Slightly hyperventilating. A real life panic attack. I have just under 30 minutes to get up, get ready, eat, pack lunch, and leave for work. It takes me 10 minutes just staring at the ceiling trying to process what happened and wake up enough to realize that it was, in fact, one hell of a dream. I often dream about people I once knew or currently know, but I never know why they come up. We're friends on Facebook, but I don't follow his account anymore, so I rarely if ever see his posts. And I definitely wasn't creeping him before bed. Maybe I saw a tagged photo? Maybe he wrote a birthday wish on a mutual friend's wall?
What have we learned today, you wonder? Well, I also am wondering that still, a staggering 13 hours later. So if you figure it out, let a girl know.
Until my next epiphany ... 😉
xx,
PS: No hate to my ex or my prom date if they're reading this! This dream was the result of a panic attack triggered while I slept. Super fun! Love this for me!
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