tldr: It's been 6.5 years since a childhood friend of mine committed suicide, and whether it's a bunch of "signs" that come up reminding me of her or just annoying coincidence, I'm still in mourning and am learning firsthand how non-linear this process is.
Sometimes I wonder about how much I should share. The roots of our friendship are/were wholesome: Two Canadian girls that met in Colorado as 10 & 11 year olds while our military parents were posted there in the mid-2000s, then lost touch a little bit when we were posted back to Canada in our teens... It's what happened as we grew up that makes it weird to talk about.
I knew her as Mercedes Grabowski, but you likely knew her as August Ames. The part that's "weird" to talk about isn't because she was in the porn industry or even how she died. Both of those are controversial to talk about as they are, but it doesn't bother me to talk about any of that. It's that no matter what I do or how I word it, mentioning her in any way will come off as me clout-chasing, even after all these years, instead of a girl who's still mourning the loss of a really important childhood friend.
I was immediately infatuated with Mercedes from when we first met. She was a bit older than me, gorgeous, outgoing, funny, snorted when she laughed, and had so. many. friends. I looked up to her about everything. She even created the primary that I still use to this day (both out of sentimental value and the fact that it's been my registered email for everything since 2006-ish and it feels too late to change it LOL). She was like the Regina George of my life (but not a bitch): I learned a lot about beauty, makeup, and hair from her (she shaved her forearms once because she thought her arm hair was too dark, so I did it too), a boy told her over MSN one day that he thought hair around a girl's areolas was disgusting and she told him it was a sign of maturity (and then made sure to get rid of hers lol), so when I started noticing my own hairs, I remembered her words and wasn't embarrassed by it, but I also got rid of mine because I knew she did that.
I made a blog post in 2021 about "survivor's guilt" where she was the subject, but I didn't feel comfortable enough at the time to mention her name (you have to read the whole thing to understand the title). In 2017 she died at the beginning of December. In August 2018, her birth month, I attended her celebration of life with her family. In 2019, 2020, and 2021 I felt extreme sadness around both times of the year and in between I had a really hard time with dark thoughts about her death: I have a really vivid imagination, and as is the basis of this entire blog, I have even more vivid dreams and nightmares, so you can imagine how dark it really got. Her life and her death were both so public that it seemed that the news was everywhere for a really long time.
2022 was still hard because her mom was writing a book, and Scott Weiss was either also writing the book with her or was trying to write his own, and both asked for my input and editing help. 2023 was a bit easier despite the book being published and a tough read, personally. I stopped messaging her memorialized Facebook profile with stories of dreams and memories I had with her, and I only checked our old conversations a couple of times. Other than the occasional dream here and there that I've concluded are 'visits', I was no longer obsessing over her death. But in 2024 my best friend (who also knew her) was seeing someone and it came up in conversation that August Ames was a personal favourite of his, so she mentioned that I knew her and naturally he had a lot of questions for me about her (before and after fame, before and after death...). It was nice to have an excuse to talk about her again after all this time, though a bit jarring.
Just a few days ago, I received an email from someone in the UK. This story is a bit crazy but I have mad respect for a sleuthing girl LOL - She somehow managed to find out that Mercedes (August) and I were friends, found my Instagram (I think?), then this website, and emailed me with this email (as opposed to either of my other personal emails). We love an FBI queen... Anyway.
She emailed me, said she's from the UK, and mentioned that she's recently been made aware of someone posing as August (I'm not sure she knew about her pre-porn life and name), which doesn't surprise me because there are so many fakes out there. She said this fake profile has been posing as August, but using a different name, and has managed to defraud her father, who has mild dementia, and he now believes they're in love and he's been sending this person money. She seemed desperate for solutions to help her father understand, because they've had interventions with him and he is so convinced that this person posing as August is legitimate. She thought that if she could personally reach out to those close to August and get statements from us about how this person her father is "in a relationship with" isn't real, he might listen.
It's heartbreaking. As impressed as I am that she managed to find out that much about me and find this email, I was honest and told her that I would've personally taken a few more steps to ensure his safety, given his diagnosis. I'm sharing her/her father's story because maybe it didn't occur to her, so maybe it could help someone else: If someone you know (especially older than you) is convinced they're in love and in a relationship with someone online who you don't know and they've never met, especially if they turn out to be fake or suspicious, and especially-er if they have dementia or are elderly enough, find out how they communicate with this person and delete, block, report. And if they're sending this fake person money, get power of attorney or a conservatorship over their bank accounts.
This girl's email to me was really nice. It was professional and sweet, and she even sent me screenshots of the person's username and a couple of the photos they're using of August/Mercedes as offerings of proof. I responded because it seemed honest and didn't give any signs of scamming - I did give her my two cents and suggested the above steps, and followed up with an article written by Scott confirming August/Mercedes' identity and death, so maybe her dad will see that this person he's connected to is a fake by reading that article.
I'm learning through all of these instances where I get to talk about her that it still hurts to mention her in a past-tense, and not in the way that we've grown apart but in the way that she doesn't exist anymore, that while it'll always hurt that she's gone it turns more into a fondness than a sadness as time goes on. I still have dark thoughts (not about suicide for myself or anything) about her death and a bunch of other things I won't make you think about by mentioning here (you might want me in a straightjacket lol), but I've been learning what they mean when they say "time heals all wounds". Cliches tend to be true in most circumstances, so they're all learned.
xoxo,
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