tldr; you guessed it, another failed attempt at a relationship. tommy? no.
Welcome back to another instalment of my failed love life! ♡
Remember when I first got back into dating in spring/summer of 2020 and this really healthy relationship thing with that guy turned sour the second he randomly ghosted me? This is like that, but worse in a different way. The difference is that I expect it now, so this time I didn't call him a bunch of times or cry about it, I was just annoyed and I moved on. Call that personal growth or numbness, whatever makes you feel better (I'm going with growth). The way it ended still bugs me, and has taken me from July until early November to actually sit down and write this.
We'll call him Tommy but that isn't his real name. (If you're "Tommy" and recognize that backyard as yours, fuck you and grow up.)
Maybe one day I'll retroactively use their first names but I feel weird about it. Anyway... We met on Bumble (shocker) and we hit it off immediately. Something about him made me feel really comfortable, and I still have no idea what it is. Let's quickly go over some red flags: Military guy. Like me, a Gemini (a match doomed from the beginning of time). A redhead? Is that a red flag? I didn't think anything of any of these things. (Dumbass.)
We met in June and he brought his dog (who I still love to this day). We walked around for a while and went back to his place. We had some wine and got to know each other and realized we both had a mutual friend who passed away. In the spirit of deep conversation, I had brought it up casually and I realized he was really emotional about it. He told me he knew him too and that they were very very close.
It felt really weird that we both knew him and his family. Felt like a small world, and kinda like it was meant to be (which were his exact words to me when he brought me back to my car).
In the middle of the evening we decided to sit out by the fire and he gave me a big jacket (if you know you know lmfao) so that I would be warm, and when I left he refused to take it back so he "has an excuse to see you again" (again, HIS words... these are important). I was Cinderella. It was great. Another time we hung out and it was his birthday (two days after mine - hello Gemini!) and we had a great time. I got him a card that he loved and kept on display even when I wasn't around (his friends told me). We didn't text 24/7. We both worked. We had separate lives. But when we did text it was actual conversation about our days and making plans to see each other again (usually weekends).
One day he spent his lunch break surprising me by bringing me lunch because I wasn't feeling well at work - and he brought his dog (♡). We'd go out to dinner and he'd hold my hand while walking down the street, at the table, he'd hug me or have his arm around me, we'd sit beside each other instead of across from each other (I know, cringe. But it was also too sunny to sit on the opposite side lol). It was magic.
I was into him and he was showing all the signs of being into me, so I was pretty confident that this would turn into something real (I always do lmao #hopelessromantic). The second to last time we hung out we had dinner at his place and then went downtown for dessert. He was being a little odd but I didn't really think anything of it because it was a long day for him with work and other things. And it was a millllllion degrees outside, and neither of us were functioning properly because of it. A day or two later he asked if I wanted to come over but warned me he was exhausted so we wouldn't be getting up to much. I was happy to laze around so I said I didn't mind. Important: This is the one and only time I've asked him to come get me (another time he offered because it was a date).
I helped him cook dinner, we ate, took the dog with us on a sunset walk to the water, and then when we got back to his place we sat outside waiting for it to get dark enough for a fire. We started talking about how we're feeling about what we have going on and I said I thought it was going well and I was happy with where we were at (all true). He followed that with "I think it's not working. I think we should end things before it gets even more serious."
My world was rocked. I haven't been dumped in person literally ever (perks of only having one actual boyfriend since I was 15, and we broke up because I had just moved away and it was long distance so it was over text). I'm so used to being ghosted or text-dumped. This is new territory.
I'm sure my face immediately broke into a hundred question marks. MORE SERIOUS? It's been three weeks. THREE. weeks. Let me explain why this statement was absolutely insane to me (which is also the reason this whole thing has bugged me so much after all this time.
A week and a half into knowing each other, one morning he invited me to go with him to BC for a whole month. (!!!!!) He goes every year to visit someone who's basically family, and while there he also visits our friend's family and spends time with them, and they reminisce. I said I'd go for like 5 days or a week, but I wouldn't be able to take a month off of work. The way he did it was so romantic and sweet. ♡
He'd always tell me how he feels like we were made for each other. Maybe even brought together by our friend who passed away (!!!)
He'd always tell me that I'm the girl he's been waiting for his whole life.
He strongly insisted I meet his friends at a BBQ he was throwing. I did, and they were lovely and I think they also liked me.
He joked that he was going to win a fake bet he had with his neighbour about falling in love first (!!!) because they were the only two single guys in their friend group.
He'd always call me beautiful etc. and tell me how much he liked me and why.
But he felt that we were too serious. 🤪 Are you scratching your head yet? No? Let me tell you one more piece of the puzzle:
If you've been here a while you've heard me talk about how jaded I've become. Because of this, even though "Tommy" was doing and saying all the right things and nothing felt forced and I felt really comfortable and safe about this "relationship", I never really gave him back the same amount of energy when it came to expressing my feelings, even though I fully 100% agreed with him and liked him a lot. Because somewhere in me I expected (or maybe knew?) that this wouldn't work out in the end, regardless of how desperately I wanted it to. I wouldn't even hold his hand or hug him unless he initiated it.
I'd tell him I like him and that I like how emotionally intelligent he is and whatever, but I never told him I wish I was with him every night, or that I missed him when he wasn't around, or that I thought about him a lot, or that I couldn't wait to spend all this time with him in BC getting to know his favourite people, etc. A lot of that was true, but I always lay all my cards out on the table and then the guy disappears, so I wasn't about to make that mistake again. But then he hits me with the 'it's too serious' shit. If anybody was too serious about it, it was him.
I was downright flabbergasted. He told me, eyes locked on mine, and I didn't know what to do. I froze. He was like "I'll give you a second" and left to get wood from the shed for the fire. I was like ????? So I texted my friends and asked what to do. OF COURSE: The ONE DAY I didn't drive myself to his house. And he dumps me. Now he'll have to drive me home. I'd rather walk... I would have too, but it was 9pm, freezing, and there are coyotes - besides, I'm not that dramatic (lmao).
I literally sat there for like half an hour and tried to be an adult about it. In my head I was like "tell him how stupid he is for this whole romantic evening and then dumping you at the end. Tell him he's an idiot because this is the least serious thing and he's being dramatic. Ask him why he feels that way so that you won't text him later about it like a desperate schoolgirl." ... Not me responding with, "Thanks for telling me in person". Yeah, Sasha. Validate the fucking below-ground-low bar he met by not ghosting you. I'm a fucking idiot ????? He eventually said he felt like it was too serious and he realized he wasn't ready to jump into something that quickly/fall that hard that fast. I dunno. Some other bullshit. I just sat there.
Then I got him to bring me home. He apologized and honestly what I did/said next is SO EMBARRASSING. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He apologized and said he'd go on a social media break or whatever and deprive himself of things he liked that weren't necessary, like netflix and video games and whatever the fuck else so he could think about things and reevaluate his priorities (reading between the lines: "I'm gonna punish myself until I know what I want"). MY DUMB ASS was like, "will you let me know if you change your mind?"
WHAT? SASHA. HAVE YOU LEARNED FUCKING NOTHING? LEAVE IT ALONE. GO INSIDE. BLOCK HIM. SLAP HIM, EVEN. YOU. DON'T. WANT. HIM.
He was like "oh my god yeah of course" and asked me for a hug. And then he fucking kissed me on the cheek????????? He said he still wanted to be friends and I could still come with him to BC and hang out with his friends or go to the beach with them etc. ummmm no? "I'll think about it." Sasha... That's it. You're grounded from men for forever. Fuck your dumb brain. LOL. I left, went inside and explained to my mom and sister that I'm back to square one and then went to bed. How my friends still talk to me is beyond me. I'd have unfriended my ass if I were them, out of pure frustration.
I hated myself as soon as anything ever left my mouth that night. Immediate regret for the things I was saying, but I couldn't stop myself. Did I eventually text him and ask for more clarification? Yes... I did eventually text him and his answer was different, saying some shit about how he just doesn't think we're a good fit and he realized that the day we went downtown for dessert (or around then), and wanted to give it another shot but he also didn't want things to progress more and make both of us hurt. (Spoiler alert, I was still hurt, asshole... Blindsided me you fuck.) But yeah. Anyway. That text pissed me off and confused me even more.
I didn't respond.
I deleted the conversation (from my phone AND my laptop ... because mac computers... you get it).
And deleted his number.
And unmatched him.
And then deleted Bumble. Then considered becoming a nun.
And then I continued to overanalyze the situation for like three weeks (as per usual), worried I'd run into him and see his car everywhere and run into him at the place we met (where I went all the time prior to knowing him), even though I'd never seen either of them before we met. I was also bummed I wouldn't be able to meet the family of our friend who passed away, but that really doesn't have anything to do with him. I have a mini online kinda relationship with the sister, so I could probably pop in to visit if I was already in BC... I don't need "Tommy" for that. But I probably won't do that. In fact, that's when I "spontaneously" booked a ticket with my oldest friend to Calgary for a week to stay with her friend that I'd never met.
I'm happy to report I haven't seen or talked to him since, and he hasn't reached out (other than still following me on IG which I didn't realize because he hasn't posted since February and the first time he liked my photo -- he's never liked one of my photos until September or October... colour me triggered lmao). Also, I haven't even seen his car driving around! So that makes it easier on me, out of sight out of mind (mostly).
What a fuckin' rollercoaster. Luckily I wasn't as invested as I usually am by the time he dumped me so I wasn't obliterated by it. Whether it's me being jaded and unnecessarily closed off, or my gut being like "it isn't what it seems", I'm glad that I wasn't attached... that one would've ruined me like the Spring/Summer 2020 guy did. I've noticed that the calibre of guys I've been trying to date has recently kind of increased, meaning like they're better guys and less fuckboy material, but in the end that isn't true because it always ends just the same and probably hurts me more because they were "better" people.
I feel like I can no longer end these types of blogs without apologizing to my friends for the shit I put myself through and burden them with, and also thank them for still putting up with me ♡ You know who you are and you know I love you the most. ☺
xx,
PS: I'm back on my bullshit - re-downloaded Hinge, Tinder, Thursday, and I'm building my way back up to Bumble (that shit is annoying because ladies have to message first).
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