tldr; i'm ready but nobody else seems to be. how frustrating.
If 2019 was the year of rediscovering myself, maturing, and becoming a better/higher version of my 'self' (talking the talk, if you will), then 2020 was the year of putting those things into practice by walking the walk (dating). 2021 is more of the same so far, but a shift is happening, I can *feel* it. It'll be interesting to see where I end up with the slow-moving epiphany this time. In 2019 I did the work and realized I was enough, I was beautiful enough, I was desirable/wanted, and worth dating, and deserving of someone who wants me enough to not ghost or cheat, etc. In 2020 I started dating more people than I have in my entire life (ok 4 but whatever) (& don't even talk to me about covid rn). It was life-changing for me. I finally knew all these new facts about myself, but I haven't had a real boyfriend since I was 16 so I don't even know what that's like. Still didn't get a "boyfriend" last year, but I like to think I came close.
It was during these four experiences that I realized that I'm not the toxic, clingy girlfriend that was commonplace and "cute" when I was 16. Obviously. I'd just turned 25, so much had changed since 16. It was/is interesting to see how I felt/feel about different things as they happened with each of them. I learned how I tend to deal with rejection and ghosting as an adult, and how my friends supported me after also doing work on themselves recently to learn and grow too. Collectively, we learned (probably mostly through tiktok) that a boy asking how your day was, texting you good morning or goodnight, and remembering something insignificant you said earlier in the day are NOT things to get giddy about. These are literally some of the bare minimum we should already be expecting from people we date...
I'm 26 this year. I don't (want to) have the time to fuck around anymore. I've always been a serial monogamist, with the end-game goal of a long-term relationship, and anything less has always been uncomfy to me (hello 0 one-night stands). I want (need. require. deserve!) a stable relationship that I feel secure in. I'm so sick and tired of second-guessing every word, action, text, look, argument or disagreement, and time spent apart just in case they don't like me anymore or are cheating on me or are somehow just using me. Listen, I know I'm severely jaded because of the experiences I've had, but hear me out.
If (you're like me and) you google how long the "talking stage" (gross) "should be" (ick), you might have an aneurism reading the results. The answer? "Anywhere from 2 weeks to 6 months." Makes me wanna jump off a cliff. You want me to invest HALF OF A YEAR OF MY LIFE into someone without asking how they feel about me and if they wanna actually label the relationship and not fuck around [outside of that]? No fucking thank you. The act of dating makes me wanna vomit. I hate every second of it. Sure, I just spent yet another night (virtually) with the current guy I'm talking to watching a movie and it was cute and precious and lightened both of our moods; And we know some of each others secrets; And we know what goals we have for our lives and careers in the future; And we remember each other's favourite foods and actors.... Sure, he makes me feel giddy and fuzzy on the inside and I'm always laughing and smiling at my phone. But it's been just two months of this. He could turn around at any given moment and tell me he's just not feeling it... or he isn't ready for a relationship... or he's actually been talking to someone else and thinks its going better with them instead. This shit happens on the daily to girls I know (and to me) all the time. (Edit: upon proofing this before posting, about a week after I originally wrote it, I think something is up and things are not going well lol fml.)
What am I even getting at, you're wondering?
I'm "the right girl". I know that I am. I know how to lead a healthy relationship: The thought of cheating makes no logical sense (it helps that once I'm interested in someone, others don't really do it for me). I know how to listen and I'm easy to vent to - I'm safe to share things with. I know how to be fun and flirty and spontaneous. I have a lot of love to give. I'm bad at confrontation (but know it's important). Communication is where I thrive. Yet... every guy I dated last year ended things with me by telling me how great I am, how healthy I am to date, and whatever else they liked about spending time with me... BUT: "I'm not ready for a relationship". Or: I just can't commit right now. OR: I'm actually talking to someone else and want to pursue that instead. OR: I'm actually moving in a week. OR: [ghosted]. In a couple cases from last year (one which ghosted me and another which kinda fizzled out mutually) they reached out this year and tried to patch things up, kinda. One sent a really sweet apology explaining why they acted the way they did to me and why things didn't work out and how they're different now and wish that we can be friends. The other simply said they enjoyed our time together (even tho he ghosted ??) and want to keep in touch (and wished me a happy international women's day - weird but I'll take it).
So that's what I'm getting at. I'm the right girl. I'm The One.
But nobody is ready to have that conversation.
SIGH. So if you're also like me, you've done the work and learned about yourself and are ready for a relationship as serious as you are, my message to you is to hang in there. It's literally all we can do at this point (especially during a panda express -- lol is that joke dead yet?). We can do it 🙃
xx ♡ S
PS: Also upon proofing before publishing, this is the affirmation I received in my texts at 11:11am today:
Good Morning!
Today our affirmation is "By being my most authentic self, I attract healthy and loving relationships. I am open to a partnership that helps me be the best version of me. I am at peace with where I am but also have fire in my veins that desires more. Love is my divine birthright and I claim it now." 😶 wow how's that for good timing eh
(texts from Cosmic RX)
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