tldr; i realized way, way later on that my first real relationship was pretty toxic
(PS/disclaimer - this is just about the situation and not the person! no hard feelings or any of that stuff. just educational commentary basically.) Sometimes somebody can be toxic and it isn't even actually their fault. We usually think of a toxic relationship or person as someone who's out to get the other person, maybe a narcissist or a sociopath who just doesn't care what they're doing, or doesn't even know. But what if you had a toxic relationship with someone that, in all honesty, was NOT doing it on purpose?
My first real relationship (2009-2011) was like a movie. That's also precisely why it didn't work. There's a plethora of reasons I'll get into that contributed too, but that's a main one. Everything was a grand gesture, a big deal, (happy or sad or angry or quiet) and it was a lot for a 14 to 16 year old (aka me).
He's two years older than me, but we all know that males mature slower than females so basically he was my same age. We'd met when I was 14 through mutual friends at a BBQ and stayed friends for a few months (hella flirting tho!) until school started. There was a dance and another boy I knew wouldn't leave me alone about going with him, and like most girls trying to get out of uncomfortable situations with boys (too young for this shit tbh), I told him that I already had a date. "Shit. Now I have to find one for real." Luckily my soon-to-be boyfriend agreed to go with me on the premise of keeping that guy away from me. But butterflies were VERY PRESENT that night and it was a whole lot of excitement. Holding hands, hugging, still holding hands while walking through the crowd, SLOW DANCING?! 15 year old me had never had this feeling before. And by the next week we were official.
We ended up dating for two and a half-ish years until we broke up due to long distance. (PS/disclaimer- if you know who I'm talking about pls don't message him about this blog, so awkward lmao!) He was two years older than me, his dad, who had a slew of mental health issues, had died a year or two before meeting me and I think due to that and his genetics, he was depressed and had extreme anxiety at all times. I didn't know what these two things were, especially anxiety. Depression was a thing I knew existed but didn't really understand or care about at the time. It wasn't something 14 year olds discussed.
Slowly and all at once, I became a full-time 14/15 year old therapist to my 17 year old boyfriend. I had to grow up so quickly to take care of this boy who I really cared for and I thought that it was normal and what you were expected to do when you had a boyfriend. None of my friends knew otherwise, and my parents probably didn't know (I don't recall ever telling them much about things back then). He had anxiety that would literally make him sick and then pass out. He wouldn't eat. He'd have big mood swings. But then we had "regular" teenage problems mixed with that, like: not having money to do things unless our parents gave us money; Being out past (my) curfew; We'd fight about other boys/girls and jealousy and accusing each other of lying and cheating (which he did twice by kissing 2 different girls might I add); Breakups and makeups over and over again...
My whole life I've been the girl everyone wants to talk to/vent to. Partly because I'm nice and I think I'm very approachable and friendly, and partly because I don't know how to say no (I'm 25 and a half and still learning to do this). I always joke that it's a family curse because my grandfather and my mother had/have this effect on people, too. This is nice and I think serves a greater purpose (although it's more beneficial for the person than for me), but there's a toll it takes on my own mental health. And that's what happened. We had a few blowouts where I'd leave his house in a fury and threaten to walk home, and we'd be in his driveway yelling at each other in front of the neighbours' houses (like in the movies, see?) and eventually I'd force him to take me home. There were times (like these) when I couldn't take walking on eggshells anymore.
As we got more close/serious, so did his anxiety and depression. There were personal and family things going on behind the scenes of course, but he only ever talked to me about things and never to an adult or a professional, which left me feeling trapped. There were times where I'd have to literally talk him down so he wouldn't keep threatening to kill himself -- some of the worst of the worst days. My family ended up moving out of the country when I was 16, and only a few months later we broke up and I was devastated. (Heartbroken obviously but also I had just left all my friends and everything I knew to move to a whole new country, so that's when my depression hit - but that's a story for another time.)
But things weren't always so awful and bad, believe it or not. I didn't even realize these were bigger issues, red flags if you will, until like a year after we had broken up; I just thought all 15 year olds had to deal with these kinds of problems. Where we had movie-big fights, we also had movie-big moments like kissing in the rain and having a big talk to reconnect and make up.
I've done a lot of growing since those days and I've realized that we lacked the most basic relationship staples like healthy communication and mutual trust, so it never would have worked out even if I hadn't moved. I don't know to this day if he's ever gotten help for any of that, but he seems to be in a much better place and seems to be a way more stable person. This all being said, he was still the safest, and most sane (and healthy?) relationship I've had yet.
I have more stories to tell about men I've dated so I think I'll make this into a mini series or something?? I'd love to hear your stories too (I promise it's okay, I can handle it) no matter how trivial or childish or serious they are. None of us are alone and it's okay to change and grow, and it's cool to have discussions about this now. Maybe we'll learn something or find a new point of view or silver lining.
xx
S
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