tldr; i realized much later on that i had a lot of growing to do, and that i'm not in the wrong
The year is 2014. I'm taking a gap year between high school and college to work and figure my life out. This year I will date an actual psychopath, turn 18, start college and have two best-friend-breakups, followed by the breakup with him.
And, yes... In that order.
I'd never used Tinder before, and I haven't dated at all since the breakup with my first real and first long-term boyfriend from a couple years earlier (I know right? See related post below.)
He was in the US Army as a paramedic, so he was at Fort Drum, which is across the border but not too far from where I live. I still miss the drive to go to New York because I got to cross the bridge and see a little bit of Alexandria Bay (aka super gorgeous drive). He was cute (I disagree with myself now) and charming and funny and sweet. He came to visit me and we went on a first date. I can't remember what we did, dinner? A movie? Both. Obviously he was a stranger so he stayed in a hotel and brought me home after our date. We went out for breakfast the next morning and spent the better part of the day together before he had to go back. I was smitten! We had already been talking for a couple weeks (while I grew the balls to meet) and I felt like he was my next love... I fell hard and really fuckin fast apparently.
We'd been dating for like 3-4 months at this point. He insisted that the reason he never used his social media was because he didn't want the army snooping or something, but it was all still up in case he wanted to use it again. If you have known me for literally any period of time ever between 2002 and today, you'd know I could work for the FBI with the level of accuracy and success I have when creeping people on social media: I was curious to see what his social media was like because he wasn't really offering up a lot of details about his life other than that he wanted to be a non-military doctor and he's from Colorado (isn't it ironic / don't you think?). Long story short, I found out he's still active on facebook and instagram, and also HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND. WHILE DATING ME. Listen, I'm an everyday skeptic and whatever but he was letting me post on my own social media pictures of him and saying we're together etc. and he met my parents and my sister, bc he was a stranger and I was just 18, two years his junior, and he slept over once and we talked all the time. It was legitimate (to me).
This is where it gets juicy. Hold on to your socks.
I confronted him about it, wondering if he's cheating on her with me, or on me with her. Ge denied it entirely for a while and when I showed proof he confessed: But babe, you don't understand. Susie (her real name btw) has cancer. She's been in the hospital for a few months and we agreed that I could see other people because she can't offer me the same things anymore. But I can't break up with her... I'm afraid it'll kill her. I didn't say anything because I didn't want this to happen, and it's so hard to talk about. Okay well yeah of course, I totally understand. You poor soul. You're so considerate and sensitive, wow. Sold.
I tried to be there for him when she got sick, all that supportive shit. Something didn't sit right with me though, and he also still wouldn't break up with her. One day I was creeping his social again because he's so cute and I was also still curious, and I saw that the two of them had just been out and about playing mini-golf and saw a movie and had a picnic to celebrate their 1 or 2 year anniversary.
Who the fuck lies about cancer?! Is she in on it? I brought it up again and I was absolutely livid this time and wouldn't let him speak, but eventually he blocked my number or something and blocked me or deactivated his social media. I reached out to Susie too and she said she didn't have cancer and that she had no idea he was cheating on her with me and stuff, and she apologized and it was an overall decent conversation for what it was. He texted me back eventually, apologized, said he was away on an exercise (military thing) with no service. They broke up, and he forgot to tell me before he left. My dumb ass believed him ???????
Already long story short, I believed him and gave him more chances he didn't deserve but things were back to "normal". Eventually he found out he got into med school and was gonna move away. It was really upsetting, but I was also kind of relieved? I was gonna go help him pack his little dorm thing at Fort Drum and say our goodbyes. I already knew long distance doesn't work -- Fort Drum is hardly long distance, we saw each other every weekend and we'd alternate who visited who -- and who am I to ask him to not follow his dreams and whatever, right?
He ghosted me. After almost 9 months.
To this day, I have still not heard from him (not that I want to).
Somewhere in the beginning of it all, one of my "friends" got Tinder, managed to find him and match with him behind my back, then proceeded to flirt with him to see if he was on the same page as me. He wasn't flirting back but just the fact that he matched with her was enough ammo for her to try and break us up. I told him to stop talking to her because she was being insane and probably a little jealous, and he unmatched her. She proceeded to show me all the screenshots of their conversation and tried to make me upset. He literally was just carrying conversation with her, and changing the subject whenever she said something suggestive or flirty. Needless to say, my relationship with her was already circling the drain because she was dramatic and loud and selfish and pessimistic and didn't know how to be happy for others, so that was a real easy one to burn the bridge.
Sometime after that, my other friend had spent the summer sleeping with what seemed like the whole city after only losing her virginity earlier that year (I'm not really judging now, but I definitely was then), and now had a boyfriend (who I'm still friends with today actually!) who she persuaded to team up with her against me after I told them about him disappearing and all the things he lied about. They just attacked me for being stupid and not good enough for someone like that (?????) and they were being very personal and rude. I cried for days over it, and everyone at school was so confused about why we were suddenly not friends when we'd previously been inseparable all year. In a matter of months I'd lost two of my best friends and a boyfriend. What a year.
That was in 2014. In 2015 I tried dating someone, but found out soon after that he was on probation, did extreme drugs when I wasn't looking, and had a girlfriend so that ended very quickly. I didn't talk to anyone let alone date again literally until 2020. I went on a date with a guy in a band in January, but I didn't really feel anything so we didn't continue. Met another guy in April that I apparently went to high school with, and again, fell very hard and fast for him. For two months he was the dream guy I was looking for (communication and everything!) and then he ghosted me. In June I dated someone else but he wasn't ready to commit, and also he has two kids so I probably would eventually have ended that because I'm not ready to be someone's mom (maybe not ever?).
I'm sure I'll come up with some other fun stories to tell someday but that's pretty much the jist of it all. Share some of your shitty relationship stories with me! I know I'm not alone in falling for this kind of behaviour, so spill some teeeaaaa.
xx
S
PS: "Some experts see sociopaths as hot-headed. They act without thinking how others will be affected. Psychopaths are more cold-hearted and calculating. They carefully plot their moves, and use aggression in a planned-out way to get what they want."
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